I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
