so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
