i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
