Only a mothe r could love this liver
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
