nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
