I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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