I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
