you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
