He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
