I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I party with great urgency now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
