I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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