when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
