no, he came in my armpit
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
