theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
