1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
