i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
