If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
