bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
