At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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