It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
