I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
