I cannot find my penis.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
