i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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