Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
cat food counts as protein by the way
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
