Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
