I am midnight drunk by noon
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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