This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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