you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
