Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
