I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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