Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I wish there were birth control emojis
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize