there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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