At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize