I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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