having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
