Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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