What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize