this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
then he tried to convert me to islam
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
