fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
