found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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