Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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