Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
