Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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