Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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