Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize