Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
