The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
