my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
