On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
