Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
