If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize