6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
