textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My cat gives me a boner
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
