I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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