Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
